The trip to Kansas was great. On Tuesday we went to a little town called Weston. The river once flowed right past Weston and it was the last town that you could get supplies, then on to the wagon train to head west. Then, there was a big flood in the late 1800's that turned the river to flow past Kansas City, so the rest is history.
Much of the road that we drove to Weston criss-crossed the Louis and Clark Trail. The country side was beautiful.
In Weston we had lunch and then "antiqued". Lots of cute little shops and McCormicks Distillery. Samples for a quarter. Yeah baby. I did get some souvenirs from that little shop. "Vodka, the nectar of the gods", as Jill says. The weather was so beutiful, cloudy, cool and a little rain. God knew that I really can't stand Kansas in the summer with the blazing sun and intense humidity, so He gave a little grace in the weather dept.
Had dinner at a Mexican resturant with Danny, Belinda, Lorina, (belinda's daughter) her husband Sean, her girls, Danielle, Ashley, and Talia, Sam (belinda's son) and his wife Dennise, and their 2 boys Max, and Nicolas, Mom and her boyfriend Don and Jill and I. Good food and great conversation. So good to see them all.
Patrick, Cristy and their boys were not able to be there.
I was convinced by Jill that Marilyn needs to get married, and the more I watched her the more I realized that she is so very lonely and really likes Don and Don really loves her. Weird.
The trip was really something that I had needed to do for mom, the family and for me. Going to sleep in the extra bedroom where Kenny and I used to sleep was bitter-sweet. Just being in Kansas without Kenny is yet another piece to this puzzle that I really haven't a clue about. Relief, ache, rest, anxiety, familiarity, lost...
Mom is doing ok. Missing her husband, missing her boy, and taking each day as it comes. (She still can't sit still)
These past few days that I have been home have been difficult. Very lonely. My children are struggling and hurting sooooo bad that I really don't know what to do. "DO nothing, mel, love them, come along side them." Is that really what I am suppose to do or am I using it as an excuse. "Don't change the rules for a year", that was shared by a counselor friend. Am I avoiding issues that I should address. Damn it! I hate my life ! I am alone when it comes to my dear children. Reality. I AM on my own and I am not convinced that God even gives a shit. Tired of the fight, just want it all to go away.
I look forward to the "next thing" to keep me busy, take my mind off...
God is silent and I want a real sign. A portrait of Kenny in the clouds with a big smile on his face, is that to much to ask?